Ponderings

Have you ever had a thought or feeling just kind of come over you oh so slowly, and that takes a while or it to gel in your head? I've been feeling a bit 'loose at the moorings' lately and I think I've finally figured it out. It's the job. It's not like I don't like my job, lord knows I have it pretty cushy. It's just that at 45, and having done this for a few years I'm wondering if this is really what I want to be doing for, oh say the next decade+.

I like the work and I like what I'm doing but I'm wondering if it's enough. I guess I got used to being the big bread winner. There is a certain power to it. With out it there's a feeling of vulnerability.

The business is good, in fact better than it's ever been. I know this is due in large part to Jay's efforts. In reality this is probably the best way for the two of us to insure our future and hopefully retirement. I'm just feeling like I have less 'power' than I once did.

I think part of what brought this feeling on was the whole office relocation and they way it was done. at the end of the day Jay and his partner are "the bosses" and what we do in the business is their call. What I don't like is the feeling of dependence.

One of the upsides to my career at The Evil Coffee Empire was that I had been there for so long. I was the answer guy to many people including the last couple of bosses I had there. I knew the ins and outs of the business and how to get things done. I knew where all the bodies were buried and that made me a hero sometimes. That's a difficult narcotic to give up.

I also think about the worse case scenarios. What if something happened to Jay and my relationship? (God forbid) What if something happen to Jay and he couldn't work? I think I need to spend some energy making a fall back plan for myself but doing that will be tricky. How do you do that with out making others feel like your not there 100%? It's easy to think it will be OK just by communicating but I have a feeling there would still be underlying feelings that I'm not being a 'team player'.

If you can't tell already I'm thinking this through as I type it. Sometimes this is a great way to get it out.

I don't for a minute miss all the 'challenges' of working in a corporate job. I'm sure I don't even remember how much I hated all the political BS that went with a job like that. Time has it's way of smoothing out the roughest parts of the past in your memory. I had lunch a week or o ago with some of my old cronies and I wasn't surprised that the place is almost exactly like it was when I left, just different people in the senior management roles trying the same crap that has been tried before. It was interesting to sit at lunch and listen to my friends gripe about it. One gut reaction was to say "why the hell are you still there?" but I know some people don't feel they have the choice to leave a good paying job with families to support.

I guess just thinking this is the first step. The next step is maybe just taking baby steps to put some more security around me so I don't feel like I'm not in control. More to ponder...

So that's where my head is this morning.

Moohaa suggested yesterday that I post a Bear pic for lack of anything else to post. She's right. I haven't bored anyone one with 'the light of my life' for a while. I'll see if 'His Nibs' is up for posing when I get home tonight.

Have a good day.
Wash your hands its cold & flu season.
Play nice with others.

B