This has always been a difficult holiday for me. My mother and father divorced when I was three. It was an unusual circumstance to say the least. When I was that young my parents had good friends that lived up the street. They socialized together and bowled together and even played bridge. The all lived out of each others pockets when they were in they're twenties.
In 1966 My father was a private pilot having just got out of the service flying out of what would become Seatac Airport. He flew over the local Nike nuke installation and noticed his own car parked near there next to his neighbors in the local lover's lane. Shortly there after both my parents and the neighbors up the road all got divorced, My mother married her lover, the man up the road. The day they married my father asked the ex-wife to marry him. They effectively swapped wives.
Step father and his ex-wife had two daughter that my sister and I had always played with and were friends with. After everyone divorced and remarried we found ourselves step-brother and sisters.
Over the course of the next 12 years my step-father would take us over to our fathers to pick up his girls for the weekend. In all of those years my father was never home at the time we came to pick them up. I took it as a big belt to the gut every time.
From the time I was 3 until I was 18 I met my father twice, each time I had to instigate it. If I didn't contact him it wasn't going to happen.
So here's my dilemma. It's fathers day again and I feel like I should do something to see him. But here I am 45+ and still having to be the one to get us together. I for once would like to see some effort from him but I know it won't happen. I don't want to end up at his funeral with nothing but regrets. The last time I saw him was my half brothers funeral, his only other son. Yet again I had to swallow my pride and go.
So what do you think friends? Should I make the effort again with the possibility of getting no response and being hurt or just walk away and feel guilty ?
Or do I need to adjust my attitude?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Father's Day
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19 comments:
Love is always worth the effort. When you're whatiffing, don't forget the positive one. What if you get your Dad back? :)
Perhaps a letter with how you feel concluding with an invitation for a drink?
Good luck. I'm sending up a prayer that all goes well.
Dearheart, I think you already know the answer to this. You are asking, so you haven't put him completely behind you. I would say make the effort, as you said, you don't want to end up at his funeral with nothing but regrets. Real Live Lesbian said it well - Love is worth the effort - YOU will get something out of it, even if he doesn't.
Love you,
fiwa
I too think you should keep making the effort. You have to more for yourself than for your Dad. At least you will know that you tried and you won't have regrets.
It seems to me that your dad is the one who is missing out on not having YOU in his life.
awww sweetie...I'm so sorry. My mama always told me "two wrongs don't make a right" and I've pretty much lived my life by that. Go see him...just make it a short visit. At least you know that YOU have done the right thing....you don't need all kinds of guilt drowning you at his funeral some day. I have sort of the same situation here....my ex has nothing to do with our DAUGHTER and her children. He instead dotes on our son. She feels so awful about this and once asked him about it and he told her that she looked so much like ME that he couldn't stand to be around her.......SEE why I divorced him??? There are jerks all over Brad...just YOU do the right thing and you'll always feel better for it. Big hugs!
I saw keep making the effort. My dad never made much of an effort and as I got older I gave up trying for the most part too. But, now that he's gone (he died 11 years ago) I find myself feeling guilty that I didn't keep trying.
As for the video below, you can probably change the video settings using the software that came with your camera when you upload the video. Or adjust settings on the camera itself. I don't want to suggest that you read the owner's manual cause that would be an outrage.
Also, I found that YouTube works better than having Blogger host the videos.
All I can tell you is this: Like you, I had EVERY reason to hate my dad, but I didn't. And I did try time and again to fix it all, although I had done nothing wrong. I knew that I could not live with myself however, in the event of somthing happening to him, so I continued to try. Then he did get sick with cancer, and died very shortly after. In that time, I managed to be with him as much as possible until the end. I am so happy I did, because when it's all said and done, it's US we have to live with, you know? He was wrong, I wasn't, but it really didn't matter to me. I hope this helps. Hugs and understanding coming your way. :)
You've gotten some wonderful advice here.... I'll just say this.. I had a difficult relationship with my Mother and Mother's Day pushed a lot of buttons. She died very suddenly two years ago and I'm happy to say I have no regrets because in the end I knew I had done the best I could. Reach out. Time heals.
P.S. That's QUITE the story about your parents/friends. Yikes.
At the very least you can rest assured that you have always made the effort...
...my two cents.
Be well, Brad.
Tough call honey......go with your gut. Try again.
Sending comforting thoughts your way!
What a story that is...sounds like you lived a soap opera. I agree with everyone. You can't control what anyone else does...only yourself....and doing the right thing usually doesn't hurt..much. I never had a good relationship with my Mom...actually I couldn't stand being around her very much at all. She's very selfish and has a martyr act down pat...but...I'm doing what I feel is the right thing....I may not like it and it takes everything I've got somedays..but I know it's right. Absolutely no regrets here.
You, my dear one, have a very large heart...you, like me, ( I think) love deeply and have very little control over it.
What's a couple hours out of your life eacfh year?
xo{{hugs}}
Wow, what a thing to have happen to your family. Completely blown apart.
Anyway, either you need to accept that your dad doesn't give a shit about you, OR you keep trying because it's what you need to do to feel okay.
Either one is fine.
I'm so sorry you grew up like that. I would ask myself what the benefit would be to contacting him. Will it bring closure? Do you need closure? Will it just bring more heartache?
My Darik's real dad goes thru phases of seeing him weekly and then just dropping out of his life for weeks or months at a time. I know it's not healthy for him. But he has Roger whose been around since he was 3, so I think that helps him not be hurt.
I sure hope you find a solution for you.
Hugs.
I can't begin to imagine the loss and betrayal you grew up with. You deserve the home and happiness you've found in your life with Jay. Amen.
I can't offer you advice...but I loved reading all the good ideas our frinds sent your way.
Brad, I didn't read other responses to your question. I'm going to become a mother again and tell you exactly what I told my sons when they refused to even speak to their father.
Look inward and decide how you will feel when your father is gone. Will you always wonder if that last effort might have had a different outcome? Will you wish you'd said that one last thing to him? Think about these questions and decide what's best for you.
Go for it. Pride isn't worth it. I divorced when Rach was 5. I felt like there wasn't any other choice and really it was the best decision even though I'm not remarried. I'm happier and whether she knows it or not she is too. She calls him and he occasionally takes her. I encourage it.
Just because I left doesn't mean she shouldn't have a relationship. That relationship is up to them. Whoever instigates.
Awww Brad. I think you've been given some great advice here too. I think you should do what YOU need to do for your own well-being. I also think you should talk to your dad...confront him about this and find out the real reason he's been absent so much of your life. Maybe it goes way deeper than anything to do with you personally. What have you got to lose? And maybe you have a lot to gain. Even if it's just the satisfaction that you know what's in his mind.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope it helps you.
Hugs sweetie
See your Dad. If not for his sake, for yours. You dont want to regret the rest of your life for one little move you didnt make :-)
I don't like to give advice because more than once it has come back and bit me in the ass. This is going to be a hard day for my husband as his son doesn't make any effort most likely because my husband makes no effort. My husband will get drunk and say that no body loves him, but the truth of the matter is, my husband isn't capable of maintaining relationships or loving his family. Your dad may not be capable of reaching out to you, for whatever reason. So, I guess it wouldn't hurt or maybe it would for you to make the effort. You'll need to decide which is the worst or best.
Brad...
This is a hard question you are asking yourself here. Do you extend yourself and possibly risk being rejected, or do you keep to yourself and have regrets.
The best thing I can say is look into your heart, and do what it says. That post says to me you are not ready to give up yet. Regrets can haunt you later, so if you feel like you need to see him, go. Just don't expect him to change, because I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen. Still, it's most likely worth the effort of making the connection for both of you..
Peace,
OC
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